Stupidity and Mercy

Here is another picture of our dog Lady. She is very intelligent - most of the time. We have about 10 different toys/balls/bones for her and she knows each one by name. All 10 can be in the backyard and if we say, "Go get your [insert name]," she will find it and bring it in. Then there are those other times, like when we are on a walk in the park and people are looking at us, that she forgets about the concept of a leash and walks around a signpost...I follow to try to unwrap her and she follows me. Round and round and round. It's funny and embarrassing at the same time. I just smile because I know she is a smart dog who occasionally does a stupid thing. Hmmm, like us sometimes?

It was the summer of 1995 and I was trying to take an old radio amplifier out of my car. It was one of those 100-plus degree days with humidity that made one sweat profusely just being outside. I was in the trunk (because that's where the amplifier was located) and was trying to use a long flathead screwdriver to lift one of the tabs that held the amp in place. I was intent on getting it off and did not realize how hard I was trying to force it...and that I was doing it toward my face. The head of the screwdriver slipped off and hit me hard beneath the right eyebrow. It HURT - but the first words out of my mouth were "Thank you, Jesus." I knew how close it was. I was using so much force that I actually felt resistance when I immediately pulled it out because it had gone into the orbital bone. A millimeter or two lower and I would have been seriously messed up, or worse. The next words out of my mouth, as I was making my way inside to stop the bleeding, were words of anger towards myself for being so stupid. How could I have done something that dumb? Yet, God's mercy was there to cover it. The small scar still reminds me of His abundant mercy.

In high school I never seemed to recognize "hints" from girls who liked me. I made a point to be nice to everyone, girls and guys both. I guess I wasn't afraid to talk to girls who other guys got google-eyed over because to me I was just being friendly. Well, maybe I came across as being confident or something, because a couple of times the friends of girls who I considered to be "way out of my league" came up and had to tell me directly that they liked me. Go figure...me? There's a whole other post here, but I'll hit that another time. The point is that most of the time I just didn't recognize the feedback or the "hints" they were sending me.

Both of these issues are on my mind because of the job situation. My job has been incredibly busy lately and the sale that involves our product and the developers still has not gone through. I have had a chance to step back and evaluate things and am concerned about whether it is stupid to keep heading down the path I am on. Simply put, my heart is not in technology. It does not fulfill me in the slightest. I'm not really all that good at it either, I get by because I work hard. However, of the things I could do that bring home consistent pay, it probably pays the best. Some would say that it would be stupid to go into anything other that what pays the best. Others would say it is worth sacrificing several thousand a year in order to do something you find fulfilling. Maybe the "shaking" going on in the job arena is God's way of giving me a hint and, just like in high school, I'm just not recognizing it. However, as soon as I start thinking along those lines I remember that we are not to be led by circumstances, we are to be led by our hearts. I have never quit something just because it got difficult. In fact, I often stuck with something until I turned it around so that I would know the "leading" to move on was genuine and not simply an escape tactic. The bottom line for me is that as a husband and soon-to-be father, one of my main responsibilities is to provide as best as I know how. To me, for now, that means staying in technology. Will I be selfish or selfless? I am called, as a husband, to give myself as Christ gave Himself for the Church. I need to choose the selfless route. However, I do feel a release to explore the things that God has placed in my heart, but I know it will be a gradual thing. My wife and I are very different in this area. She hates any kind of change, regardless of how small, and I really don't mind even major changes (although I wouldn't say I am the kind of person who seeks them). It will have to be a baby steps, not giant leaps. I don't want to be stupid and haphazard but I don't want to fail to recognize God's leading either. Balance is the key.